Second Chance

Its been a while since I've been here. I haven't been anywhere for a while, except the hospital. Its amazing, you're just chugging along with your life and then something happens and turns things upside down. Around 5am on September 10th, I suffered a cardiac arrest. If it was after 5am I wouldn't be here, Hubby leaves for work at 5 and he was in the bathroom getting ready when I hit the floor. (And I didn't just hit the floor, I banged my head on the way down on the table and now have a scar from it, in spite of the stitches, that's the least of my worries)Anyhoo, Hubby knows CPR and saved my life, he did the chest compressions, blew air into my mouth until the ambulance and fire department arrived. I do not remember anything. I do remember being tired and pushing myself to finish something at the kitchen table, I must have been making something, bracelets I think. Then I remember waking up in a hospital room and thinking I was in a hotel, totally confused. I had spent a week in the ICU, it was very touch and go, they all said I was lucky to have made it through everything. My heart had stopped, once they got that up and running there was some trouble with my kidneys so I had a round of dialysis. Then I spent a week on the cardiac floor, got a pacemaker last Thursday and was discharged on Friday. (I do feel like I fooled them into discharging me, I didn't feel ready but I just wanted to be home, in my own bed and so on).

Yes, a pacemaker. They call it an ICD and I just can't google it, as long as it isn't shocking me I don't want to know. Someone called it "like having a cardiologist in your pocket" and "an insurance policy in case your heart stops again". I go from thinking I'm fine to needing a cardiologist in my pocket, plus a whole team of doctors at the hospital. I was the youngest on the floor, I'm 45. Never thought I'd see this day or this happen. Thinking back on it, I should have seen it coming. My cousin visited me in the hospital and said they all have heart trouble on my mother's side, and I remember my Nana carrying around Nitroglycerin and my Aunt having a heart attack. So a family history, plus me smoking, being overweight, being on adderal, burning the candle at both ends, it all adds up now. They did say I had pneumonia (which I had seen my primary care doc for the day before, he said bronchitis) and that traveled to my heart causing infection and weakening the muscle. Or I may have had a bum ticker to begin with.

Today I finally feel slightly better. It wears me out just walking around Walgreens, using a shopping cart as a walker, picking up all my new prescriptions and whatever else. BTW, Skin Musk is on sale. Last night I managed to sleep on my left side (where the ICD is) and that helped, since I've been constantly on my right I've got a pulled hamstring which makes getting out of a chair or bed painful. Ugh. But today was better, I feel more back to normal, but am still sore where the ICD is, my ribs still hurt. And I'm still reaching for a cigarette, which I haven't had since this happened. I'm getting used to it. I'm chewing the nicotine gum when I need a pick me up. No more adderal, really, never again. I'm allowed 1200mgs of salt a day, which I adhered to all week except today which I cheated a little for supper.

So I've got a second chance at life. No idea what I'm suppose to do with it yet. What I do know is: when I'm tired I go to bed-I don't give a shit if things don't get done-they can get done the next day, I'm not breaking my neck at my job doing doubles (actually I'm not working at all right now, no set return date either, I'll just have to live frugally for now)and I'm not going to stress over stuff. So what if I couldn't remember the pin numbers for our checking accounts and now have to reset them? I got the money in the bank via a teller and will fix the pin situation when I have the time. My memory hasn't been so good since this happened. They took up a collection for me at work so the bills will get paid this month, at least the important ones. Maybe, maybe I'll list some stuff on ebay to make up the rest. I don't know. I'm just playing by ear right now.